Pencil Cactus III – Judgement Day

The Pencil Cactus is no more.  It has ceased to be.  It’s expired and gone to meet his maker.  It’s a stiff.  Bereft of life, it rests in peace.  It’s kicked the bucket.  It’s shuffled off it’s mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.

Gone, gone, gone…………….

THIS IS AN EX-PENCIL CACTUS!!

It’s quite hard to believe that a bit of gardening can turn into a fight to the death with a giant succulent, full of concentrated acid for blood, but it did.

After my first blinding encounter, using a blunt machete and harsh language, I decided to send in the ultimate Pencil Cactus nemesis: my mate Dave and a chainsaw!

The Remington – Sword of Vengeance

The once mighty cacti, towering over 20 feet into the air (remembering that most Pencil Cactus grows to a measly 3 feet in a pot), was brought to its knees by a determined ‘Scouser’ (a chap from Liverpool) with funny goggles and a hat.

At the end, I kind of felt sorry for my worthy adversary.  There it was; lovin’ life and growing out of control in the Caribbean sun, when all of a sudden we decide to make a community garden out of its verdant home for the last ten years.

A bit mean, really.

Still, there’s a few smaller ones dotted around outside the greenhouse, so who’s to say that in a decade from now, another poor sap (pun intended), won’t be writing the next chapter of this epic encounter; ‘Pencil Wars – Return of the Killer Cactus’!

Dave – Cactus Warrior

The Pencil Cactus – The Plant of Doom

Our fearless volunteer coordinator, Will, wishes to share his cautionary tale of cactus removal:

“In the movie ‘Aliens’, the characters who land on a mystery planet, make a most unfortunate discovery: “an aggressive xenomorph with concentrated acid for blood”.

Well, I made a similar discovery when I began happily hacking away at dense undergrowth surrounding our greenhouse at the Lowlands Community Garden.

Suddenly, instead of “machetting” through the usual mix of spiky shrubs and dead branches, I had arrived at a plant that did something very odd when I cut it; it began spurting a thick white milky substance that splashed over the back of my right hand in little droplets.

“What’s this thing?” I shouted at my fellow volunteers and plant experts.

“That’s Pencil Cactus” they replied casually. “Don’t get it on you. It’s poisonous!”

Great.

Once it dawned on me that I was standing inside a giant Pencil Cactus that was dripping white poison, I sort of panicked and began desperately thrashing my way out of there, rather like Frodo did when he found he was inside a monster spider’s web.

Unfortunately, this was not a good idea because before I knew it, a fine powdery dust or pollen was falling down on me, stinging my lips and making my eyes feel like someone had just stubbed out a cigar butt in them. Rubbing my eyes with my t-shirt only made things worse and I began to go right off gardening.

About an hour later after being driven home blind and crying like a girl, I began to recover. The application of water, milk and aloe vera to my eyes, plus an ice pack and some antihistamine, finally gave some relief, although my eyes stung for about another six hours or so and things looked blurry until I went to bed.

Before that though, I managed to look up Pencil Cactus on the internet and this is what I found:

The giant pencil cactus that Will encountered and lived to tell the tale.

E. tirucallii – the well known Pencil Euphorbia
A most dangerous Euphorbia and one of the most readily available plants, even in supermarkets. Latex from this plant has been the cause of death, blindness and severe illness. The latex produces excruciating pain and severe inflammation if it gets into a cut on the skin or on to the eyeball. It produces a more intense irritation of the eyeball than of the skin which may result in ulcerations on the eyeball.

On record is the death of an African adult male resulting from haemorrhaged gastro-enteritis after swallowing the latex as a cure for sterility. Deaths from poisoning after taking medicine made from the plant have also been reported. The juice has been used as a mosquito repellent and in India as an insecticide.

So, another brush with death narrowly avoided whilst doing a bit of tidying up.

You just never know, do you?

However, there’s still a whole jungle of these evil trees left for me to deal with.

So it’s full body armour, breathing apparatus and a flame thrower, for when I next go gardening in the Lowlands, because this time, it’s PERSONAL.

Wish me luck…”

This poisonous white sap is to be avoided at all costs.